Confessions of a Distance Runner

• I can’t “eat anything I want” just because I run. I still have to watch what I eat.
• I don’t always watch what I eat.
• I wear my running tights to the grocery store.
• I think running tights are appropriate attire for anything short of a wedding or funeral. (Even then, it depends on the person.)
• I like GU. I eat it as a snack when I’m not running.
• I consider putting on a baseball cap “fixing my hair.”
• I spit.
• I look at my reflection in store windows when I run by shopping centers.
• I have a lot of “bad run” days.
• Even though I answer politely when people ask me “how long” my marathon was, deep down, a little part of my soul dies.
• I’ve learned toilet paper is not quite as necessary as some people may think.
• When I travel, my first concern is “What are the running routes from the hotel?”
• I don’t feel awake until I’ve gotten in my run for the day.
• I consider days that I don’t run a total wash.
• I cannot go into a running store without buying something. Ever.
• I am filled with euphoric joy when I discover a park bathroom that is open during winter.
• I always need more running gear, no matter how much I have.
• Most of my wardrobe blinks, lights up, or repels moisture.
• I once accidentally wore my headlamp into the grocery store. While it was on.
• I’ve changed clothes in more gas stations, Starbucks, Denny’s, and grocery stores than I can count.
• I consider spandex the fabric of my life.
• I very rarely feel fast.
• I often feel slow.
• I have a soft spot for clothing items in colors that could be mistaken for radioactive contamination.
• I think nothing of discussing gastrointestinal issues at the dinner table.
• I have bad dreams in the nights leading up to a marathon, usually involving forgetting my shoes and having to run the marathon in socks on a hardwood floor.
• I own more running shorts than I own dresses, skirts, pants, and regular shorts—combined.
• Half the time when I’m driving my car, I’m also sitting on a plastic trash bag or a towel because I just ran.
• I consider my car “clean” if there aren’t any dirty socks strewn across the floor.
• I have to “apologize for the smell” before passengers climb into my car.
• Whenever I see someone running (and I’m not running) I’m immediately filled with envy and feel like I should be out there too, even if I’ve already run twenty miles that morning.
• I consider a quick wipe-down with some paper towels and a little water basically as good as a shower.
• I’m always surprised that zippered pockets and reflectivity aren’t standard clothing characteristics.
• When I pass another distance runner in the park, I’ll give a little hand wave and head nod, like we’re in some secret club.
• I’m convinced that 90% of our nation’s problems stem from dehydration.
• When people show me vacation photos, I picture myself running there.
• I believe coffee really does taste better after a run.
• All I really want at race expos is free food and drink samples.
• I feel like all official race apparel is overpriced.
• Short-shorts don’t look that short to me anymore.
• Unless they’re not running shorts. Then they do.
• I’ve “fueled” many runs with birthday cake.
• I feel an immediate bond with anyone running with a hydration belt.
• After a successful long run or tempo, I relay my mile splits to my entire family, even though I know they don’t care and would probably pay me not to tell them.
• The way I feel after a long run is one of my favorite feelings ever, sore joints and all.
• I feel really cool when I run trails.
• Sometimes running is really hard.
• I spend 90% of race morning either in the bathroom or standing in line to use the bathroom.
• I’m always hungry.
• Sometimes I think about nothing during my entire run. Like, I’ll get home, and I’ll honestly have no idea what I thought about the whole time.
• I can farmer’s blow like a champ.
• I secretly wish I could be in a NIKE commercial.
• I can’t look at other runners or people working out at the gym without judging the shoes they’re wearing.
• Whenever someone passes me during a training run, I always assume they’re not going as far as I am.
• I’ve sabotaged my own run by trying to keep up with runners too fast for me.
• I’d rather run a marathon than race a mile.
• I never feel worse than when I’m tapering.
• I don’t care if the guy pushing the stroller is an elite runner. It still stings a little when he passes me.
• I’ve re-worn dirty socks to run in because I forgot to bring clean ones.
• Even though I love starting my day with a run, most of the time I feel like hurling my clock across the room when the alarm goes off.
• I look like a total freak at restaurants because the server always has to fill up my water more than anyone else’s.
• Most servers usually end up saying, “I’ll just leave the pitcher on the table.”
• I wish I were faster.
• If I have to choose between showering before a social event and finishing my scheduled miles for the day, I’ll always choose the latter.
• I am overcome with a feeling of dread the moment I click the “submit” button on an online race registration.
• I have an “emergency run kit” in my car, just in case an unexpected opportunity to run pops up.
• Most days I put on my running clothes, go for a run, get cleaned up, and then put on different running clothes.
• I consider jeans “dressing up.”
• I fantasize about being an elite running with the lead pack at a major marathon.
• I have no idea what is causing the obvious shortage of Mylar blankets at races.
• I say “Kara” and “Shalane” and “Meb” and expect people to know whom I’m talking about.
• Part of me believes that if I could only be picked up by the NIKE Oregon Project, I would be the next great American distance runner.
• I can’t part with any piece of running apparel until the stench is so bad I offend myself.
• I know the distance from my front door to any minor landmark to the hundredth of a mile.
• The night before a marathon, I always “change my mind” and decide I don’t want to race after all.
• Part of me hates packet pickup for marathons because I always end up comparing myself to all the other participants at the expo and usually walk away feeling like the least prepared person there.
• Part of me loves marathon expos because of the energy.
• I believe running keeps you young.
• Sometimes my family will ask me, “Did you run today?” and then shove me out the door because I’m so unpleasant until I get my run in.
• You know how they say distance runners go to the bathroom anywhere and everywhere? It’s true.
• Cowbells really do make me run faster.
• So do drums.
• When spectators at races cheer me on, I feel like each of them is there just for me, even though we’ve never met.
• I know I will never be able to thank race volunteers enough.
• I feel like running is part of my existence, like breathing.
• Deep down, I know it is.
• When I see other runners on early morning runs, and we wave and greet each other with smiles, my faith in humanity is restored.
• I’ve learned that you can’t be a distance runner without having a sense of adventure.
• Or fun. Or trouble.
• I truly believe runners are some of the greatest people in the world.
• And I’m totally serious about the NIKE commercial thing.

Amy L. Marxkors is the author of The Lola Papers: Marathons, Misadventures, and How I Became a Serious Runner. Her second book, Powered By Hope: The Teri Griege Story, will be released in 2014.